trophywife09

I haven’t been online in over a year, but I need to get back on track if I’m going to reach my goal.  I have 1-1/2 year to lose my weight and get my reward.  I want it all off and be fit by the time I’m feed, and I need all the help I can get. I work at home, on my bum, in front of the computer and live a very low active life.  Walking would be my preferred form of exercise at this point.  Anyway.. weighed in and ready to roll, again.

I’m proud of myself.  Last night I went and watched my son play acoustics. He plays in 2 bands and writes his own music.  I was unprepared, however, and got emotional. I didn’t expect him to sing the song “Portland” which he wrote nearly 4 years ago, when I left my husband of 23 years.   I had 5 children at the time ages 13-22.  I was so depressed at the time that I truly didn’t believe anyone really needed me anymore.  I couldn’t see how bad off I was till I’d left, and actually had pretty much a breakdown.  Anyway….I bawled when he sang the song.  Afterwards I kept thinking I haven’t had dinner….and I just want to go to the pancake house and eat pie.  I wanted it bad.  However, I resisted the temptation to emotionally eat, came home, put my baby to bed, got online for a bit and went to bed.  ^5 me!  Now… to mentally prepare for my “death by exercise” class this afternoon.. lol.

I’m confessing my latest obsession,  weighing daily.  I’ve never believed in weighing daily, so I’m thinking what’s the deal?  The deal is, I think, is that I work so danged hard at the gym, every muscle in my body is screaming “I hate you” and I watch my diet.  I lost 5 pounds my first week, nothing this last week, and …and… well.. I believe I’m a tad bit anxious and inpatient.  I want it off and I want it off NOW…ha..ha..ha.  Maybe I need to exercise more on the weekends when I’m away from the gym.   I think I need to hide the scales.  It’s getting to where every time  I go into the bathroom I have to weigh to make sure what I lost really is lost and dying to move the marker lower and lower.

Whew… ok.. got that down on paper.  Thanks for listening to me ramble.   (((hugs))) to all my friends.

 Today is Thursday.  Today is cleaning day at the gym, so that’s my workout vacuuming an listening to my iPod while I push the vacuum for 2.5 hours.  Then, I pick Sadie up from the kids care, and we go swimming for a couple hours. She loves the pool.  I put her in her swimming ring and we swim some laps, and I blow bubbles trying to teach her to keep her mouth shut and not swallow the whole pool.  She scares me. She thinks she can just jump in the pool and swim like the other kids.  Swim day is the best.  It’s really the only exercise beside a nice walk in the park I actually enjoy.  Then… then I get some sunshine… oh what sunshine does for the soul.   I love basking in it!  Then Sadie will take a long afternoon nap. I can shower without playing peek-a-boo with her sliding the door open on me, and then sit down and actually get some work done without her help…lol.

Have a happy Thursday to All… Thanks soooo  much for your support.  You are all a big inspiration to me.  I joke all the time that the computer is my only friend… tee*hee.

Correction on last blog:   Ah, but I need to correct myself. I have 5 grown children, but still have a 2-year-old special needs child at home, with down syndrome. The last couple years we’ve like a shut in due to her health and heart issues, but now we are able to get out some.

Nana, I have struggled all my life finding ME time too, and I have tried to be everything for everyone else and it really is hard to find the time for ME or even to figure how to do it. In my 23 years of marriage it seems I just got up and did what everyone else required of me, kids, husband, and I did do it with a happy heart. I enjoy serving others, but we as women tend to put ourselves on the backburner, and the day eventually comes when you have find out who you really are as an individual and not as someones wife, mother, daughter, sister, etc. It’s hard, in the last 4 years since I’ve been single I have felt lost and wandering, and I admit I was looking maybe no so consciously, but still looking and grasping for a man to make me somebody again, to take control and tell me what to do every day in a sense.

I don’t know if I’ve gotten my point across it, but I guess the bottom line is, ya, really it’s time I just backed off my dependency on a relationship (becuase I tend to focus too much on the relationship, give it my everything, devot all my time, thoughts and energy on it) and then when it doesn’t work out or I don’t get anything in return (and I don’t expect much in return) I fall and I fall hard. So besides the physical issues, I have some emotional issues too. I want to learn to be happy with me on my own individually, and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done when I’ve spent my whole life depending on others for my self-esteem. Not good. But I will go forth and conquer!!

Bless you all for your comments! It was so fun to come home from my workout last night and see the rush of comments. I though wow! Someone hears me!!

Pst.. and trish..yes I too want to spite my ex, and all my ex boyfriends who did me wrong naughty me!

So, my motivation as of late is well… how do I put this  “to spite men” or at least some of the men I have had in my life who have let me down,  who have hurt me, rejected me, blah.. blah.. blah.   Now…… don’t take me wrong I’m no “man-hater”, but I do have a lot of anger I’m taking out on a few,  working it at the gym in my motivation to look better.  I know there are awesome, kind loving men out there (most of which are taken), but I’m beginning to believe there isn’t one out there for this old lady.   So, in my head, mentally my motivation is just this.  I’m losing my weight, getting in shape, and I’m getting my boobs when I hit my goal weight.  I have been saving for years in a change jar.  I’m taking the N out of MEN and right now making it all about ME.

I don’t mean to sound vain or selfish, but as a mother of 6 grown children, nearly 6 grandchildren, and a special needs child at home…. I’d say it’s about time I took care of me.   As for men and dating… I believe that is going on the back burner until I get myself mentally and emotionally prepared to tackle another relationship  (if ever).   But, right now my attitude is I’m going to get looking my best, with the attitude that… they can look all they want, but they can’t touch.   If I can’t be loved and appreciated for who I am to begin with… surely he doesn’t deserve to enjoy me as an arm ornament either.

So, yesterday afternoon I ventured out and tried a class at the gym, body sculpting.  Before this I had been walking about a mile 3x a week, swimming at the pool a couple times, so I didn’t jump right into exercise, but I must say it was quite the workout for an old flabby lady.  I made all those young’ns look good that’s for sure.  I hate the mirrors.  The room was really warm 83-85°, and had been complained about to the staff.  I have a tendency to heat exhaustion, but I made sure to drink plenty water before I went.   I saw my internist for a routine visit yesterday and I mentioned to him that I get sick and a horrible headache after rigorous exercise, especially if I do it early in the day.   I am insulin-resistant.   He explained to me that it could be my blood sugar levels are bottoming out with exercise, and I’m pretty sure that’s what happened to me yesterday. I’ve had hypoglycemic attacks in the past, so I recognized this as one, well after the fact.  I got to the point I was very dizzy and nearly fainted.  It was towards the end of the class, my heart rate was definitely up, my face was flushed.  Another girl attending the class gave me some energy beans made by jelly belly that she had and recommended power bars before class.   She has experienced the same issues with her blood sugar and was helpful, and encouraged me not to give up the class, but to work through it to see what helps make it better.   Well the jelly belly beans did help, but I drove myself home still shaky with my head pounding.  The headache was horrible.  I took excedrin migraine, later more aspirin and advil and benadryl, and by morning it was gone.  In the past I’ve experienced vomiting to the point of dehydration with these experiences.  Last night I just mainly had nausea and burps. 

I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced similar problems and how they have  dealt with them.  I don’t want to give up the class nor my exercise routine. I’m very determined to lose my weight, and I’m very motivated as I’m going through a major heartbreak/breakup with a long time boyfriend, and my mom is ill with Stage 4 liver cancer, so I need to exercise to help with my stress levels.

 Also I experienced severe muscle cramps during exercise (we use weights and really worked every muscle, especially upper body, and I’m feeling it today).  Someone suggested drinking tomoato juice before class for the potassium to help eliminate the cramps.

Sucks to be old and out of shape…. lol.  But I’m hang’n tough.  Today I still feel a little brain dead and shaky.  I don’t have a glucose monitor.

I’ve recently joined The Sports Acedamy.  My son-in-law is over the gymnastics department and I go in and clean the gym once a week in trade for a membership.  I have access to the indoor and outdoor swimming pools, which we love, and they have a kids care center there that is cheap that my daughter can attend.  I’m going to try out some of the classes, body scultping and I need to add in cardio.  I’ve never been much of an exercise or workout fan, and I really have no clue what I’m doing or how to go about it, but I guess by trial and error I’ll find out what works.  I’m really serious about losing my weight, now more than ever, and I’m hoping the exercise will give me the boost that I need to start shedding more weight and feel better about me.  After spending nearly 3 years locked inside my 4 walls  and taking care of my daughter with her health issues, it’s time.  She’s healthier now and we are able to get out, and finally …. finally I can spend a little time on me. 

I’m excited.

I’m the mother of 6 children, ages 26-1.   The first 5 children were of my marriage of 23 years and those children are pretty much grown.   I’ve been divorced now over 3 years.   I am now a 46-year-old single mother of  a beautiful 14-month-old baby girl with Down syndrome.  Before my divorce I weighed 256 lbs.   After the divorce I quickly lost weight and got down to 165 lbs, size 12 jeans.    However, pregnancy and 7 months of bedrest, and stress quickly put back on a lot of weight.   I’m not trying to lose the weight again and feel good about me.    I have a lot of stress and trying to deal with that and depression issues without antidepressants, as they too tend to put weight on me.    I’m walking in the evenings from 9-10 to help with the anxiet and depression.    My daughter is getting married in December and I want to lose as much weight as possible before then so I can stand to look at the pictures.   lol.